Just when you thought I couldn't get any more magical........
The Pandemic has opened many peoples eye's to the TRUE world we are living in. The selfishness in our communities, the governmental horrors we are being made aware of, health care and education falling apart. It's always been there.....but now we have a magnifier.
We have TIME.....sometimes people have chosen to take a step back and others like myself have been THRUST into downtime because of the economic down turn we are seeing.
For a long time I was SEETHING angry because I was watching my business fall away through my finger tips. I was watching my friends businesses do the same and I was watching an entire world not care about it. And I get it.......we are in true survival mode, even though most of us don't want to admit it.
As my business came to a CRASHING halt last year I had to make some choices. Keep investing an go bankrupt or once again downsize and hold on for dear life. And that is what I did.....I pivoted and pivoted and pivoted again. Slowly loosing all my sense of control I thought I had ( even thought i constantly tell clients we control NOTHING!)
At the beginning of this year I started to step back........observe what was going on on a bigger scale. War was breaking out and the environment in disrepair. Womens rights were being threatened and eventually taken away south of the boarder. It felt like the world was coming undone!
But instead of spiralling and leaning into DOOM scrolling.
I decided the best thing for me would be to leave Social Media.
Instead of celebrating 10K followers for my birthday as planned, I just left social media completely. And for someone who has taught business courses and how to use SM effectively......it was a BIG fucking leap.
But in the silence I found myself.
In the silence I re-discovered myself and my connection to this planet.
In the silence I also lost a lot.
I lost friends......yep, just because I left social media.
I lost community.
But in loosing that......I also gained my SELF RESPECT!
I gained the knowing that most people only faked interest because I owned a metaphysical shop and every once in awhile gave them a free reading via IG.
I would REALLY like to say this isn't the case.....but it was.
And now I have a SERIOUSLY tight knit group of amazing people surrounding me. So, I can't complain that I was shown the truth clear as day.
I see it as a gift.
A gift of freedom from those who took instead of reciprocating all those years.
I love my new peeps......we love ritual and herbalism and a good laugh.
We forage, we sit in circle, we create art and share our thoughts on how to make this world better and not just focus on how bad it has gotten.
We want to make change and help our community NOT hinder it. We are about inclusivity and truly community over competition. ( if you are local to me.....you will hear that saying all the time and KNOW they don't actually mean it! )
I've been resting my brain and allowing it to heal. I've been reading a LOT.....something I haven't done for years. Ken Follett became my therapy.....foraging and gardening books became my solace. It has been wonderful. Just to put "busy" aside and JUST BE.
My new found calm has become incredibly important to me during my Autism + ADHD diagnosis. ( yep....just when I thought, I couldn't possibly be any more magical.....I let the autism cat out of the bag )
Which came as a complete shock. I've always know that I had memory and learning "differences" but it wasn't until I looked into an ADHD diagnosis that I found out I more than likely have Autism. Which is another HUGE shift for me. I have been working against my brain my entire life and didn't even know it.
I wasn't anxious.
I wasn't depressed.
I wasn't hysterical.
I wasn't overly sensitive.
I didn't have learning disabilities.
I just had Autism.
My body has been in a constant cycle of burn out since birth.
Trying to fit in.........trying to "do it" like everyone else.
Trying to "improve"
Trying to do "to-do lists" and "Planners"
Trying to increase my memory abilities.
Trying to not feel anxious and over stimulated.
Trying to not act weird.
I could go on and on and on........relationships, health, my odd habits.
All of it.......not me......but my Autism.
Like a blot of thunder it hit me........I CAN STOP!
I can STOP!
I can STOP being something I am not......because now I have an answer.
And I MUST STOP to help my brain heal from 46 years of not knowing I was doing more harm to myself by trying to fit in.
ADHD's + Autistics "mask" we don't show our true self in hopes of fitting in.
I still have memories of "micro machines" in high school and running around the halls pressing them up against the walls and making car noises because it felt good..........
I have memories of finding all the "weird kids" and making them my friends.
I remember feeling left out because I didn't understand subtle suggestions.
Like when someone is flirting......but it's so subtle that you think it's in your head! OH THE FUCKING DATES I WOULD HAVE GONE ON!!!!!!
There are parts of me that are angry for not seeing it sooner.......
There are parts of me that are angry nobody else saw it sooner......
But for the most part this is the most FREE I have ever felt.
I have always put pressure on myself to figure it out.
I have always put pressure on myself to succeed.
I have always put pressure on myself to THRIVE.
And for the first time in my life that is GONE.
There is zero pressure from myself.
I've been slowly downsizing the store.
I've taken a step back from my community for a bit ( it's still there.....I'm just not posting as much while I go through the diagnosis process )
I've been changing my priorities and creating space to learn and grow.
This weekend I'm taking a Shamanic Healing course and stepping deeply into who I am.
A Hermit and a Healer.
Nature has become my healer.
And Silence is my solace.
I'm foraging and gardening every day.
I'm sitting in quiet contemplation and observing the world from my forest on Gore Rd.
One of the biggest "ahha's" for me has been my tendency to get over stimulated and then want to take over the world.
If I consume too much media, or have several conversations thought out a day that are inspiring. I will immediately jump into production mode.
250 potions for YULE by myself along with candles and other product......NO PROBLEM i've got this!
Oh I should write a book....NO PROBLEM.....I'll do it in 4 months.
I should do 3 / 1 year long programs back to back during a pandemic.....NO PROBLEM.....I will support you!
It's a PROBLEM.
And I need to learn to recognize it and not work against myself. Because all of this lead to the most crazy burn out I have ever had.
Like numb to the world. Not being able to parent/partner, not being able to take care of myself, not wanting to be.
And I never want to be there again.
So I have taken some steps to make that happen.
But I just wanted to let you all know that I am here.
I am healing and being a hermit.
The shop is here......
You can still purchase and pick up or select shipping.
If you want to book a personal in store shopping date with me.....you can.
If you want to book a healing or session you can.
Just join my community to access the links here: www.emmasmallbone.com
We are all healing through this world event. Be gentle on yourself and have grace with others that have been rocked by the global changes.
We are all just trying to survive.
And that is OK!
Hermit + Healer